Thank you.

Considering we're getting into the swing of Oscars season and I'm about to move to a country that actually celebrates thanksgiving, I thought I'd display my own bit of gratitude.

In the last few months I've had a bit of a hard time, as you can probably tell from other posts and / or twitter. I am almost entirely sure I couldn't have done much more to act maturely and ethically having tried to separate myself 3 times from somebody toxic and finally achieving it. I think all that remains bouncing around in my head is a part of me that feels sorry for Mr Toxic's gf and wants to inform her, but that is none of my business and I'm better than that. She'll work it out eventually. sigh.

Anyway I am trying to see the positives, which when you look for them are many. So in an incredibly self indulgent post (yep, just for me you don't have to read it) I'm going to say thanks in my least sarcastic tone for the good things that have come out of a shitful situation:

Thank you for eventually returning my stuff intact

Thank you for showing me the remaining 90% of your personality, finally, which also means

Thank you for being someone I can't care enough about to hate

Thank you for making me feel so much better about myself by comparison

Thank you for forcing me to reassess who I can trust, if anybody

Thank you for showing my instinct to be better than I thought

Thank you for teaching me to listen to my friends

Thank you for justifying the importance of honesty when judging character

Thank you for the only genuinely seemingly selfless thing - sticking up for me

Thank you for clarifying what someone caring about me doesn't look like

Thank you for giving me something to cry about in the past months

Thank you for giving me nothing to cry about in the past weeks

Thank you for allowing me to leave easily and with no regrets

Thank you for giving me the space I've been trying to get for months, and

Thank you for finally letting me go...

...Please don't follow me this time. I am so much happier without you.

Ah. Having written it feels like I've said it. Thanks. now I'm very tired. Good night.

Drop dead Fred

I never had an imaginary friend when I was little, but I remember watching this movie with Rick Mayall, and being heartbroken for the main character when she finally got rid of him forever.

I've had my own odd experience in recent times with one I can only say is more in my head than reality. In fact we used to jokingly call him my imaginary friend because he would so consistently forget everything I'd say and do that it seemed I may as well have been the only one there.

At times I would (half) jokingly say my company was so traumatising he'd blocked me out. But looking back this is more likely attributable to my invisibility than any malice on his part.

Lately it's emerged just how close to the truth I was. It turns out that the person I could have sworn I was friends with didn't exist, in fact I had read him completely incorrectly. And now here I am having finally extricated myself from that situation (not using the movie methods) I'm doing my best to learn from it, and I think there is definitely some blame to be thrown my way.

Too often we get offended at someone who "doesn't truly know me" or "is only seeing what they want to see". I have always assumed I was on the misunderstood side of the fence and that empathy helped me see where others were coming from, but now I reckon I am just as bad at this as everybody else, and it's really screwed me here.

You forget all those times that you made an extra effort to see the good side of a situation, where for somebody else you couldn't be arsed. You suppress the little things that irritate you in favour of seeing a glimmer of the person they could be. And those warning bells? What warning bells (I thought that was tinnitus)? I think in the future I will stop being so arrogant about my people-reading skills and just try listening to my friends who I was convinced didn't know crap and would never see what I did. Man was I wrong.

I've also decided to revise my "sorry" policy. It's been a (perhaps misguided) source of pride for me that I will forgive just about any slight on me if the person genuinely apologises. Given I now acknowledge my lack of skill in determining authenticity, I think a conditional acceptance of remorse is a better idea. I hate to be so cold about it, but they don't need to know my thinking process either. Wait until true contrition is demonstrated before dropping the walls. Let's hope I don't get into that situation again soon.

I don't really trust anything at the moment aside from a few close people, and I'd be nowhere without those non-imaginary friends. It is so odd, though, saying goodbye to someone who never existed, the concept of whom evaporated like smoke or Keyser Söze. But I feel much better now than I have in ages, and I plan for this to be as much of a positive experience as it can be.

Now kiss me and say "Drop dead Meg"

Wish you were hare: A postcard from Adam

I have recently had to give up my darling rabbit, Adam (RSPCA name, don't laugh, OK you can giggle just a little bit) because I'm about to move to San Francisco for 2 years for work.

What is most gratifying about this is that his new pet parents my brother Ov and his fiancee Lizzie are the best that you could ever hope for and I know he'll be happy there. They so kindly took him on even though they have one silky chook (Gert), a bunch of reds (I think), and Roscoe the handsome kitteh cat.

In spite of all reassurance I miss him terribly, and Lizzie understanding this, sent me a message today that simultaneously made me grin and want to cry. It was a letter from my little man:

Hi Mum,

I did binkies for a solid minute this morning when I saw Aunty Lizzie- up and back, up and back, I went. And then I was so excited about my food that I stood leaning up on the door, and Aunty Lizzie had to wait until I let her in. I was happy with a long pat, and a long groom, and am looking rather handsome aside from four brown paws- still, who can blame a man for digging.

My house isn't at all wet, even though it rained all night. Infact I am so high and dry that Aunty Lizzie has to water my grass every now and again to stop it drying out.

I am ignoring my hay at the moment, all I want is grass, grass, grass. Aunty Lizzie made up a feeding poster using the vet advice and bunny book you left her. I get fed morning and afternoon, with the recommended quantities of greens, fruits and veg. I adore parsley from the garden at the moment, infact I eat it more than the humans do.

Also my cousin Roscoe and I are becoming better acquainted. I sit on my hammock and stretch up, and Roscoe sits on the deck and stretches down, and then we engage in a good gentlemanly sniff. I always look rather lonely when Roscoe leaves, but Roscoe is quite a rogue at heart, and I don't think he knows yet how to take a chap like me.

Lots of love,

Adam.   

Just wanted to share such loveliness with the rest of the world. There he is tucking into some Bok Choi I think.

His name is Rabbi(t) Adam "Bunners" Scruff. And he's having a lovely time in his new home.

to start... I'll have dessert

I've always been someone who doesn't like to think about the process, mostly the end point. Order dinner with dessert in mind, stuff the practicing I want to play the piano perfectly NOW.

In my mind I have had the concept of a blog bouncing around for some time, without a clear objective for content, predominantly as a cathartic process for myself. If people read it so be it. This title was kind of haunting me, although it means nothing to the outside world.

sentenceorigami is something I once used to describe my mode of speech - it folds in on itself with such complexity as to be unrecognisable to any but the folder, and in the hands of the unskilled (which I am) will remain forever indecipherable.

Those who know me well, hopefully understand what I'm talking about (rarely), when I spend most of the conversation in my own head and only blurt out the punchline. Let us hope my writing is slightly less... incomprehensible (and how many 6-syllable synonyms for lack of understanding can I hit before the end of this post?? Last bets please.)

I kind of wanted this to be anonymous, because I thought it would allow me to be more honest. Then, I thought - that is cowardice. You want to say something enough to broadcast it then just fucking say it. So I will.

Reader, if you ever exist - I hope this does something for you other than bring you out in hives from annoyance. And illegibility. BAM