asking for it

Help.

I know I need it. In fact I've probably known this for well over a decade though only occasionally admit it.

The number of times I've moved house since leaving home (about 9 years ago) is legendary, although I always reject offers of help from friends. I'd rather pay some stranger a shitload of cash to shift my stuff up and down the stairs though never buy a case of beer for someone I trust to haul my furniture. I am certain people are secretly relieved when let off the hook, and I wouldn't want to deny any of them that... or their weekend... or the functional use of their spine... or being spared my company at my very very worst, most temperamental, tired, and stressed.

The thing is considering I don't feel able to ask for help 99% of the time, when I do ask for it, I usually really need it; sometimes you get let down, and sometimes you don't (looking at you extremely wonderful helpful generous friends hello reader one and only xoxoxo).

I had an extremely bad and unexpected experience with a colleague about 2 months ago at a pub, suffice it to say I don't want to see or speak to him again, but I have to see him regularly. The problem is, in spite of not actually feeling threatened by him, I seem to experience panic attacks when I see him. I start to shake, I start to cry, I feel sick, my heart is racing, my hair stands on end. This happened again today with an intensity that seemed ridiculous to me 2 months after the original event.

The people I work with are good people. They are intelligent, caring, empathic people. But when presented with this paradox of this good guy behaving badly they quite honestly don't know how to react, so what happens is the reasonable one (i.e. me, pretty much the only time in my life I'd have called myself this) gets leaned on, to let it go and just try and forget about it, don't think about it, and also give it a bit of time and you'll be OK. What they don't realise is no, I'm not thinking about it, but when I see the person I really don't want to see, my body flips out in the equivalent of "danger Will Robinson" in spite of any pleas from the rational (using that term loosely) part of my brain to settle the fuck down.

(OK apologies for the excessive formatting there. I got a bit carried away).

I am sick of feeling out of control about this, I am so extremely sick of feeling isolated and like I'm crazy for not dealing well with being treated the way I was, and I know part of my reaction is probably due to being not so stable before the event itself. So I'm finally asking for help; professionally that is.

I know I kind of have to go it alone. The only way I can gain perspective now is to distance myself from those who have been such lovely and easy friends at work, who, I know had the same thing occurred with somebody they weren't so close to would've said good riddance to that nasty fucking piece of work and thank god you can cut him out of your life. Right now they're tying me to him in a way that means I can't recover.

Today I realised horribly, that for some of them although I never asked anybody to choose, they made a choice anyway and went with the pervert, and that cuts me up inside. It's why I try not to rely on people, but as a human impulse we can't really help it, regardless of attempts at being hermits.

Certainly this little hermit is grateful to get her thoughts out where nobody she knows (except maybe 1) will ever read them. Hopefully it means I'm one step closer to equanimity with the shitty things in my life, and this is new territory for me.

Wish me luck.

M